Spoiler-Free Movie Review – “Venom: The Last Dance“
When I was around twelve years old, I visited my grandmother in Ventura, CA, and we took a trip to the beach. The sun was shining and the waves were crashing as I played in the water while she watched from a distance. We ate under an umbrella on the sand, and afterward she took me to a cool little comic store downtown. I had been obsessed with what she called “funnybooks” for several years at that point, and every time I visited, she always took me to different storefronts.
As I walked into the shop, I saw something on the shelf that immediately drew my attention. It was Spider-Man, dressed in a black suit, swinging toward the reader in an action pose and hanging on twisted and knotted webbing, the kind which I had never seen put on paper. The art was dynamic, the detail was extraordinary, and I quickly snatched it from the shelf and started flipping through it. That issue was “Amazing Spider-Man 300,” also known as the first appearance of Venom.
It starred Eddie Brock, a fledgling reporter who finally cracks the story of a lifetime: the identity of the supervillain Sin Eater. However, his big story is shattered to pieces as Spider-Man catches the real Sin Eater, and it is revealed that Brock was merely talking to a serial confessor. He loses everything, until one day a deadly symbiote with a vendetta against Spider-Man finds Brock and binds to him. They both vow revenge, and are now known simply as… Venom.
Now, that sounds pretty badass, right? It is. Pretty much the exact opposite of the movies.
The thing is, to have a great Venom movie, it has to involve Spider-Man. When it doesn’t, it’s like chips without salsa, PB without J. My point is, the whole reason for Venom’s being—his essence—is tied to Spider-Man. And because Sony has the rights to Venom but the rights to ol’ web-head are currently on loan to Disney, a movie featuring the two (at least at the moment) simply cannot happen.
Because of this, we’ve been subject to a sucky snoozefest symbiote series with of no importance whatsoever. The only thing holding these together is the magnificent Tom Hardy, who could make a task like pulling weeds seem captivating.
In this movie, Eddie and Venom are on the run after being implicated in a murder they did not commit. A creature name Xenophage tracks him because Eddie is carrying a codex, and– I can’t even finish the plot. Don’t go to this film. Don’t see this film. Don’t talk about this film to your friends.
There are a couple cameos by the villain Knull in “Venom: The Last Dance.” He’s a character from the excellent Donny Cates and Ryan Stegman run from Marvel comics.
If you want a good Venom story, go read some funnybooks.
Rating: -2/5
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